Sunday, January 16, 2011

Guy Wanted.

I have come to the conclusion that I need a guy.  I have absolutely no interest in marrying again, so I'm not shopping for the marrying kind of man.  Don't care two cents for dimly-lit restaurants, bouquets of roses, holding hands and mooshy movies. I just want a regular-guy guy.

I have stuff that needs to be fixed, so Mr. Hypothetical Guy has to own a wide variety of power tools.  He also has to know how to use them.  At a minimum, Mr. Guy must possess and be proficient with:  circular saw, speed square, carpenter's level, plumb line, caulking gun, framing hammer, power drill/driver, sledgehammer and spud bar.  Additional points awarded for possession of any or all of the following:  Sawzall, hammer drill, compound miter saw, power washer, engine hoist, torque wrench, auto ramps, pickup dump bed modification, floor sander, belt sander, drill press, heat gun.

I'm also a 'woman of a certain age', so Mr. Guy must be over 40.  There is no upper limit on age, but it's entirely possible that at about 70 or so the ability to keep up with me will start to taper off, so keep that in mind.

As for looks, well, that's not terribly important really.  I'd give myself about a 6 on a scale of 1 to 10, so I would prefer that Mr. Guy have an appearance quotient of between 5 and 7.5.  Facial hair is permitted but must be neat (no birds-nest beards please).  Ponytails are OK.  Glasses or contacts, either is fine, but no garpy out-of-style frames. No comb-overs, and no hats indoors.

Mr. Guy has to have a job.  A more-than-minimum-wage paying job.

He also must have at least one dependable, running, road-legal vehicle.  If he has more than one, at least one of them must be a pickup truck.  Ford 4x4 preferred. It is not necessary that vehicles be spotless and detailed, however it would be nice if you shoveled the trash out once a week or so.

It is preferable that Mr. Guy be Catholic, but since I have already stipulated that this is not a marriage-possible relationship, that's not a strict requirement.  However, additional points will be assigned to guys who are faithful practicing Catholics, registered voting Republicans, and who do not sit on the fence with regard to any social issue currently in the news.  Actually, any fence-sitting applicant will be rejected out of hand.

I don't care if he is a teetotaller or not, but there will be absolutely zero tolerance for having the attitude of "I don't drink alcohol, and you must be self-medicating if you do." Excess consumption of adult beverages will be similarly frowned upon.

The last thing I can think of right now is that Mr. Guy must have, in his closet at the time of application, the proper attire to attend ALL of the following:

  • A church funeral service in any season
  • A secular wake or funeral-home burial service
  • A wedding in any season at any time of day other than after 6 (I'd be ridiculous to require a guy to own a tuxedo when they can be so easily rented)
  • Political campaign/religious rallies and fundraisers, indoor and outdoor
  • Cocktail party in either a private home or public bar
  • Rowdy wedding reception where there will be a keg and a live band
  • Sporting events - turkey shoots, auto racing, demolition derby, football, baseball
  • Movies, dances and concerts
  • Camping and cookouts
You may have noticed that I haven't mentioned the kids.  That's because THEY AREN'T YOUR KIDS, MR. HYPOTHETICAL GUY, SO YOU BUTT OUT OF THE PARENTING, K?

Now, I'm sure that all of you know lots and lots of guys who fit the above requirements, right?  Riiiiiiight.


  1. If I ever meet such a wonderful specimen of manly manhood, I'll know just where to send him(since I'm already married). :) Good luck in your search for Mr. Guy!

  2. Perhaps good St. Joseph can help with this request. :o)

  3. I'd be more likely to see results from St. Jude, I think! :)